Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Dear Sam

Dear Sam,

Happy "Birth"day little one!  I've been thinking about this letter for quite some time, but still don't know just what to say.  I have so many thoughts going on in my head and in my heart.  First of all, I wish I were holding you today!  That thought overrides all the rest.  Today you should've been in our arms, I should be nursing you, your grandparents and older sister should be visiting, our church and seminary families and my co-workers would all be anxious to meet you.  You should be here.  But, instead you are with Jesus.  We are also thankful for that.  If you can't be here with us, I'm so glad you're with Him.  And I'm sure that Hannah and John have been "showing you the ropes" in heaven.  Not that they really need to - I'm guessing you got there and just went straight to the feet of Jesus - but as your mom I want to think about the three of you hanging out together. :)

Lots of people have asked me and your dad how we're doing.  My answer has been that to be honest, I'm doing way better than I expected.  When both Hannah and John were delivered directly to heaven, I ended up getting to a pretty dark place with my grief.  With you, Sam, that hasn't happened.  I'm so thankful for that!  It's not that I miss you any less, or feel less love toward you, I think that the Lord has just been faithful to answer all the prayers that have been offered up for us.  When I think of you, it's not with sadness but a sweet memory instead. My pregnancy with you was different and my miscarriage with you was different. I guess it's not unlikely that my grief with you is different as well. 

Your dad wants you to know that we gave you the name "Samuel" because it means "heard of God".  Samuel in the Bible was a Nazarite, dedicated to the service of the Lord.  As hard as it was for his mother to give him over to God's care, we too have given you over to Him.

We love you very much and can't wait to meet you one day.

Mommy and Daddy